Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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