My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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