I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
