I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
