Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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