Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
