I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize