Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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