I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
