I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
