Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
