and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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