I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
