My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
