Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
