she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
