I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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