So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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