just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
