i will never coherently bang her
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
