tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
