Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
