yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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