haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
