Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
