Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
