Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize