Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
