We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
