remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
