Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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