Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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