Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just forgot I was standing up.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
