I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
