im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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