I could make wine with my vomit
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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