wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize