I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I wish there were birth control emojis
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
