I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize