I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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