he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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