fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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