was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
