I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize