Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You ate ashes out of my bong
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