I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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