So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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