My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You need a sexual gate keeper
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just had sex on a roof
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
