I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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