3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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