i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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