girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize