there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
