The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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