Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
