Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
