I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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