Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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