Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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