So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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