hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
there is glitter all over my balls
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