no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
