All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
