he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
