My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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