please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
