Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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