mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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