ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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